Controversial idea here…. Sometimes doing good and holy things isn’t as good and holy as we would like to think.  Let me explain; intent matters. 

In the past few years, several people have challenged me to examine the intent behind my actions. As a recovering people-pleaser, this introspection has been an important part of my healing. I realized that sometimes when I do nice things for other people, it does not always come from a healthy place. I might do something to be viewed as more important or to be viewed in a higher regard with my colleagues. It is amazing how far a people-pleaser will go to receive even the tiniest evidence that they are valued.  In the past, my people-pleasing tendencies have resulted in me being overstretched.  I was sacrificing my sanity, and my best self for my students to appease my colleagues. 

People-pleasers are made not born.  Sure, some people have a natural empathy for others and are always willing to help out.  But the true pathology of people-pleasing comes from a profound need to feel connection and love. That profound need often comes from emotional neglect or abuse in childhood.  At least, that is my story.  And it is also my mother’s story.

My mom lost her mother when she was only a year old. Grandma had passed away after a sudden illness. In those important formative years, my mother received parental support only from her father. He was overwhelmed, with two little girls, and had just lost his beloved wife.  I think those few years could have been enough to set my mom up to become a pathological people-pleaser. However, she also had the genetic predisposition for mental illness and was later diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder. 

Fast forward to my childhood, everyone who knew my mom would describe her as a very generous person.  She spent all her energy throwing darts at all the good and holy dartboards she could find. She dedicated hours to various devotions. She volunteered at every opportunity at the church. She visited those in prison. Once, she even literally gave a stranger the coat off her back (and I do mean literally).  When I consider her childhood, I think mom was trying to find love and connection. She did this in the only way she knew how: by being good … and holy.

I was listening to a podcast the other day. The people talking were discussing how one knows what their “calling” is.  The comment that stuck was this.  Your calling isn’t just what you would like with your life.  Your calling is also how God would like you to serve him. Many of us have interests and gifts that we would enjoy pursuing. However, your calling is the one that God wants you to use to serve him. 

I’m not sure what my mom’s true calling was. I don’t know if she was ever really able to discern that for herself. But I do know that in her haphazard approach to doing all the good and holy things, she didn’t have a lot of emotional energy left for us kids. At the very least, taking care of us kids was her job. 

Some things I have from my experiences and my mother’s experiences are these. You do not have to do everything you can for others to be loved.  It is not selfish to prioritize your mental and physical health. If you take the time and effort to truly discern your calling, it helps you have clarity on where to spend your energy. It helps you do the good and holy things with the proper intent.